45 | Amber-Lee
“I don’t even know really how to describe HG. I mean, it’s been many years now and I still don’t quite think I have the words. And so what I’ve landed on is that it feels like you’ve been poisoned. That’s the closest thing I can come to understand what that feeling is like, because it’s not just the excessive vomiting and nausea. There’s also just something inside you that it’s like your body is trying to rid it, rid of it, but it’s not going away and nothing can alleviate it...”
When Amber-Lee found herself unexpectedly pregnant, she knew life was about to change - but nothing could have prepared her for the profound impact that a complicated pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period would have on her mental health.
In this powerful episode, I’m joined by Amber-Lee from @thepowerofbirth and host of Can We Talk About This? who candidly shares her personal experience of perinatal mental ill health with unflinching honesty. From two unexpected pregnancies to the debilitating effects of hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), birth trauma, PTSD, rage, depression, and anxiety - no part of her experience is off limits.
Through both humour and grace, Amber-Lee touches on:
The shock and emotional weight of unexpected pregnancies
The physical and psychological toll of hyperemesis gravidarum (HG)
Navigating birth trauma and injury as a new mother
How postpartum PTSD and rage can manifest - and why we need to talk about them
The importance of normalising maternal ambivalence
The struggle of being ‘the strong one’ while silently suffering
What healing looks like and why talking about perinatal mental health matters
Wherever you are on your journey, Amber-Lee’s story reminds us that it’s not your fault, your experience matters, recovery is possible, and you’re allowed to laugh to cope.
These conversations matter. So let’s keep talking about it.
Please note, this episode discusses the lived experience of an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. Go gently.
“I can't say that I've ever really struggled with my mental health prior to pregnancy. I guess the biggest factor was that my pregnancies, both of them were unplanned.”
“My first pregnancy, I had planned to move to Ghana in Africa to do a mental health prac placement. We paid the money, we'd rearranged our finances and our life so that it would work because I was going to be gone for a couple of months. It was all very exciting. And six weeks before I was due to leave, I found out I was pregnant.”
“And it was actually my husband. He was like, ‘hey, your period's late.’ And I was like, ‘yeah, it is.’ And he was like, ‘it's not normally this late. We need to do a pregnancy test.’ And I laughed it off, really, but then got a bit worried and thought, okay, yeah, maybe I should just do one so we can cancel that out. And it was obviously positive. And while he was beaming, I was in a state of maybe of doom and gloom. What does this mean about my life right now?”
“We had talked about previously having children, and he knew that it really was not on my radar at all. And if ever. I was very unsure of that side or stage of life.”
“And so it really came at probably the worst time it could have, which was hard to take.”
“I did go to the doctor and we did talk about various options and things. Nothing sat right with me, obviously. And so I continued with the pregnancy.”
“And about six weeks in, I remember it was like a Sunday night and I was craving cereal. And we hadn't told anyone because I was still in disbelief, I guess. And I was eating the cereal, but halfway through was very put off by it, almost immediately. It was very bizarre. How do you crave something and then start having it and then next minute, you're almost averse to it? And I remember feeling really tired. And so I went to bed and shrugged it off. And I woke up the next morning and physically could not move.”
“It feels like you’ve been poisoned. That’s the closest thing I can come to understand what that feeling is like, because it’s not just the excessive vomiting and nausea. There’s also just something inside you that it’s like your body is trying to rid it, rid of it, but it’s not going away and nothing can alleviate it...”
“I don't even know really how to describe HG. I mean, it's been many years now and I still don't quite think I have the words. And so what I've landed on is that it feels like you've been poisoned. That's the closest thing I can come to understand what that feeling is like, because it's not just the excessive vomiting and nausea. There's also just something inside you that it's like your body is trying to rid it, rid of it, but it's not going away and nothing can alleviate it.”
“And I was often told ‘this is morning sickness.’ And so I'm thinking ‘Oh my gosh, I'm doing this to myself because I didn't want the pregnancy! This is self-inflicted!’ - which is crazy! And nothing works that way.”
“Obviously, friends and family found out pretty early on because I was just so chronically unwell. And when I explain how chronically unwell I was, I have always considered myself a pretty resilient person. I've always persevered where I've had to. So that self-determination was very present in my pregnancies. And so I was quite literally forcing myself out of bed and into the showers and then in trying to drive and leave the house - which in hindsight is incredibly dangerous because I was not well - and trying to be as normal as possible, thinking that if I just persevere and maybe even ignore it, it will go away.”
“And obviously that's difficult to do when the excessive vomiting episodes occur. There's not much leaving the house. Your head is in a bucket for a very long time or a toilet or wherever you end up.”
“The ginger and crackers still activates my nervous system to no end, because that was so pushed on me by so many well-intentioned people trying to help who also had no idea, had never heard of hyperemesis. And I certainly don't blame them. And they were definitely trying to help. But I can't even have ginger now because I will feel physically unwell.”
“Yeah, we laugh to cope.”
“So I went through my first pregnancy not quite understanding what was happening to me because I'd never met anyone with HG before. I'd never heard the word ‘hyperemesis’ before. And so every GP I saw, every midwife I saw, family, friends, everyone just called it ‘morning sickness.’”
“And so I really thought that something was wrong with me the whole time.”
“When I reflect on that pregnancy, one, I wasn't in the headspace to even be pregnant in the first place. So I'm trying to process the fact that my life is about to change in many ways. But also this real disgust and anger around my body changing without my permission, in a way, but also around the HG and the confusion and self-blame that I had around that experience.”
“I really felt like I had to be well all the time and have it together all the time. And so even when I was struggling with my mental health, I was in denial about that...”
“I ended up in a midwifery group practise program, and still it wasn't picked up.”
“I was never I was diagnosed in my first pregnancy, and the HG was present until about 33 weeks. The vomiting and nausea did alleviate after then, but there were still all of the other things that come with HG, so the nose bleeds, the really chronic reflux, so you still don't want to eat or drink anything.”
“I didn't put on a lot of weight in my first pregnancy. Food was an enemy. I couldn't even walk into my kitchen in my house. The smells were so incredibly strong and just food in general was so off-putting.”
“So all of those things remained in the last few weeks of pregnancy.”
In terms of her mental health, Amber-Lee says there was no screening or a conversation with any of her providers.
“Screening is difficult, though, too, because I was studying psychology at the time - obviously I deferred for a while there - I really felt like I had to be well all the time and have it together all the time. And so even when I was struggling with my mental health, I was in denial about that.”
“I’m like, ‘well, I have to be healthy and well to help people who aren't’. And because I understand psychology as an umbrella, I'm ‘not allowed to struggle’. So there was a lot of that as well.”
“So maybe even if they screened me, maybe I wouldn't have been honest. I'm not sure.”
“We know that only 36% roughly of people who are screened are actually honest.”
“I think it also depends on who does the screening and how it's done. If you have really good rapport and really good trust with the doctor or person who's doing it, you're more likely to be honest.”
“I remember thinking like, ‘do these people know what’s happened to me? Do these people know how serious this is?’ And being really confused about how just normal life continued to go on...”
“And then I go into early labour, and then that's a whole new ball game, a new world that I was really underprepared for because I was focusing on surviving every minute of this pregnancy and I had no capacity to prepare for birth. I had no idea.”
“So underprepared to the point where, even the physical things, there was no car seating the car when I went into labour. I didn't have a hospital bag packed.”
“So I go into labour spontaneously at 39 weeks, and it was like, ‘okay, here we go.’ I'd gotten to the hospital about 12 hours later. Nothing was really happening. I was definitely contracting a lot, but it had stayed the same for a really long time. And so it was a really long labour, 24 hours, and had to be on my feet, couldn't sit, couldn't kneel, I had to be on my feet the whole time because the contractions just remained so much worse.”
“I was absolutely exhausted.”
“We tried various remedies, like the shower and the ball and random things. And my husband was a great support throughout the labour side of things. I really felt like we did bond in a way that we hadn't before. So I do reflect on that a lot as I look back.”
“I ended up asking for an epidural because I was so exhausted. I couldn't stand up anymore and I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.”
“Mind you, I have no nutrients for the last however many months, so my stamina was very low and I didn't eat throughout the labour either. Not eating was pretty typical.”
“After the epidural, I had about four doctors rush in and offer me forceps or a vacuum, which meant nothing to me. I had no idea what either of those things were. I had a friend who had a vacuum birth, so I had some idea about what a vacuum is. But because her birth was traumatic, I didn't want the vacuum. So we opted for the forceps.”
“And the forceps birth was incredibly traumatic. I remember being in and out of consciousness as they inserted the forceps. If you've ever seen them, it's pretty mortifying. It's pretty like archaic and barbaric. And so I don't have a great opinion on forceps, and I do tell people that I'm pretty honest and open about that.”
“It resulted in a 3B tear, which is a tear from the vagina through to 50% of the anal sphincter. And I tried to quickly breastfeed, and they rushed me off to theatre and I was gone for a couple of hours.”
“And you know, epidural and things - like you're shaking and there's lots of side effects. And so it wasn't a pleasant experience.”
“The staff were lovely, but I remember sitting, laying in the operating room, the theatre room, and my legs are in stirrups, there's a sheet up. I've got two people quite literally inside my vagina, and staff are walking around in these bright lights, talking about what they're doing on the weekend. I remember thinking like, ‘do these people know what's happened to me? Do these people know how serious this is?’ And being really confused about how just normal life continued to go on.”
“I was wheeled into recovery and was seeking answers because I didn't really understand what had just happened. I was eventually wheeled back to my husband and the baby who were very happy to see me. And my first response to my husband was, ‘What just happened? Is this birth? Is this really what women go through? And then they go again and again and again?’”
“And I was genuinely confused as to, one, how women did this in general, but also two, how this was acceptable, I think, is what I was struggling with.”
“I was absolutely obsessed with looking at my vagina. I would look at it all the time because it didn’t look right. And I feared, obviously, a prolapse. And so I’m looking for organs and I’m looking for, I guess, infection, or I was constantly obsessed with looking at this wound... I just was in a state of shock and disbelief for a very, a very long time...”
“I had a physio come and visit me in the hospital. And because I was so confused about what was going on with my body, I knew I was in a hell of a lot of pain. And the physio was explaining the tear to me and what that meant, but then also used words like faecal incontinence, prolapse. And I had never heard of those things before either.”
“As I'm discovering what this all means, I am terrified that I've just had a baby and now I'm going to leak faeces, and I already couldn't hold in my wind. So everything she was saying to me felt very real because it was very confusing for my brain to try and hold in wind at the bare minimum, and nothing was happening.”
“She also tried to get me to engage my pelvic floor, and I felt nothing.”
“I was bruised and red and bloody and swollen. I had this cotton ball stuffed up my vagina and someone had come in to remove it. Because I'm in so much pain all the time, I'm constantly asking, ‘Is this going to hurt?’ And I had so much anxiety about more pain. And they never, ever tell you when things hurt. They always say, ‘it'll be a little bit uncomfortable.’ And I know now that that always means, ‘yes, it's going to hurt.’”
“So people coming in and checking the wound and poking and prodding, there was just no relief.”
“We were obviously eventually sent home, and I was absolutely obsessed with looking at my vagina. I would look at it all the time because it didn't look right. And I feared, obviously, a prolapse. And so I'm looking for organs and I'm looking for, I guess, infection, or I was constantly obsessed with looking at this wound.”
“And then we have bounce back culture, right? So not only can I not be pregnant, I now can't bounce back. I can't birth, and now I can't bounce back. So there's a whole new level of shame, self-blame, again, anxiety, and anger. I was really angry about how this all happened the way that it happened.”
“I was constantly questioning, ‘is this right?’ But again, no capacity to figure that out, because I'm also trying to figure out how to breastfeed and how to sleep and when to sleep. And also not being able to even really walk around my house that much because I was in so much pain.”
“Sitting for too long was painful, but then standing was painful. So constantly trying to nurse a wound and a baby with a husband who didn't take time off because he’s also going through his own things of, ‘okay, we've got a baby now, I've got to provide...’ Life is changing for him in different ways, which causes tension and conflict. And I just was in a state of shock and disbelief for a very, a very long time.”
“It is so difficult. Any life transition is difficult. I think if we normalise some of these feelings a little more, we’d be able to reduce shame and maybe invite more conversations about the realities of modern motherhood. And maternal ambivalence is absolutely part of that reality...”
“Ambivalence was so present.”
“Maternal ambivalence means that you're feeling two co-existing contradictory emotions at the same time. For example, you feel happy and you feel sad at the same time.”
“For example, during my pregnancy, when obviously I'm in the last term, my belly is a bit bigger, you feel the baby move, which was such a weird feeling, but I did not connect with him in the womb at all. In fact, this was now the thing that's causing all of the problems. And so any time he would move or kick or make me uncomfortable, I immediately felt angry. But at the same time was feeling all of the same maternal changes happen. So I wanted him, but didn't want him, right? So there's the conflict.”
“So then you get to postpartum and after a pregnancy and a birth like that, and I mean, you don't even need a pregnancy in a birth like that to feel maternal ambivalence. But there's this longing for alone time, but constantly wanting them close. That's a real classic form of maternal ambivalence.”
“I like talking about that because I think normalising these co-existing contradictory emotions is just part of being human, and it's definitely part of being a mother. It's so difficult, even without trauma. It is so difficult. Any life transition is difficult. I think if we normalise some of these feelings a little more, we'd be able to reduce shame and maybe invite more conversations about the realities of modern motherhood. And maternal ambivalence is absolutely part of that reality.”
“I think we've all experienced it to some degree. And I think being able to... They talk about name it to tame it. And so sometimes ask being able to turn inward and recognise, ‘where is my head at right now?’ Because I so don't want to feed the baby this minute. But also I have to feed the baby this minute because I'm their mum and I'm their life source. But I need the baby to go away because I'm not coping in this moment.”
“And being able to just name those emotions and feelings and experiences, again, even if that's within yourself, there's far less shame.”
“I have so much anger and guilt and regret about that time, but I was absolutely desperate for a break or some routine or predictability. There was a little bit of perfectionism there as well. What does it mean about me if I can’t get my baby to sleep? Am I a bad mum? Am I cut out for this?...”
“It's funny, right? Because, yes, I was studying psychology, and I will say that means nothing because without the clinical experience and application, theories are running around and you have nothing to apply them to, right?”
“I'd also never experienced anxiety before. I had plenty of friends and family who had and who talked about their experience. But postnatal anxiety is very, very different and looks very, very different.”
“So I ended up obsessing about baby sleep because that was the culture, right? You have a baby and what's wrong with you!? You should be able to put them down drowsy but awake and they fall asleep on their own and you get a break, and that's how it goes!”
“My baby didn't want to be put down, and I read all of the dumb books, and I listened to all the wrong people and did all the wrong things. And I have so much anger and guilt and regret about that time, but I was absolutely desperate for a break or some routine or predictability.”
“There was a little bit of perfectionism there as well. What does it mean about me if I can't get my baby to sleep? Am I a bad mum? Am I cut out for this?”
“I ended up in a child health nurse’s office who was so lovely. I know lots of people have had terrible experiences with child health nurses, but I think I got particularly lucky. And she was so beautiful and graceful, and she listened very carefully to all of my ridiculous concerns about sleep and blah, blah, blah.”
“She said to me, ‘Hey, I think you're actually experiencing anxiety.’”
“I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh! Yes, that's what this is!’ That's what this dark cloud that I am absolutely consumed by. My brain is going 100 miles an hour. I'm trying to figure out 10 steps ahead of everything. Oh my gosh, it's anxiety! I felt so stupid for not picking that up for myself. But again, this is why we don't do therapy on ourselves. It's not how it works!”
“I was so grateful to her. But again, I was now able to name and tame, thinking that that would be enough, right?”
“Six months postpartum, I fall pregnant again.”
“I have vivid memories of him screaming between my legs or I’m on the bed and he’s beside the bed because obviously he’s not old enough to get up and I’m physically unwell, so I’m not pulling him up, screaming for me. And I’m unable to do anything. And it’s so hard to describe to people that haven’t been there... it is so incredibly debilitating...”
“I was so fearful of being intimate again. Terrified. There was no way I thought I would be able to be intimate ever again with this birth injury. And we were and I fell pregnant.”
“I know I have friends who've had fertility struggles, and so I know when people hear things like this, it can be very triggering. I also felt the injustice, I just want to say. I was just like, ‘wait, what? How does this work? So many people struggle to fall pregnant. I don't understand.’”
“Anyway, so I fell pregnant again and was on the phone to my husband one day, and six months postpartum felt like ‘okay, I think I know what I'm doing. I think I've got this, right?’ I fall pregnant. I'm on the phone to my husband and he's talking to me about how I'm feeling about this pregnancy. And I say, ‘you know what? I can do this. As long as I don't get sick, I'm going to be okay.’”
“And I really did think: morning sickness, some people get it, some people don't. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's not. In different pregnancies, one might have it the whole time, one might not have it at all. So I was like, ‘I've already had it. I've done my time. I'm going to be okay.’”
“Not how it works.”
“By week seven, that feeling of poison was back. How am I going to do this again with a six, seven month old, a husband who works crazy hours, and keep this small human alive?!”
“So I very quickly became angry, resentful. And I think because I was just hating the world, I was taking that out on everybody around me. A lot of people didn't see me much in my pregnancies, though, I will say.”
“But I have vivid memories of him screaming between my legs or I'm on the bed and he's beside the bed because obviously he's not old enough to get up and I'm physically unwell, so I'm not pulling him up, screaming for me. And I'm unable to do anything. And it's so hard to describe to people that haven't been there because it's like, ‘well, you would just get up, and maybe like, crawl to the kitchen? - which I've done many times anyway! But it is so incredibly debilitating.”
“Everything was a trigger.”
“I swapped him to formula for obvious reasons and was trying to put formula bottles together and them and prepare them and blah, blah, blah. And that exercise would trigger a vomiting episode. I'm in the kitchen, which I couldn't stand the smell of. And now I'm smelling formula - and like old formula and bottles. And it would trigger episodes.”
“Then there was also that perfectionism showing up. Like, I can't put him in front of the TV or wreck his brain! So then I have these really heavy expectations on myself to be able to somehow do it all and do it this right way and not asking for help.”
“Eventually, I did. I think I got to a point where I think I recognised I can't do this anymore.”
“I ended up in hospital a couple of months in because I hadn't eaten for about a week. It was like four or five days, and I was still somehow vomiting. Obviously, nothing's coming up, but these vomiting episodes weren't ending. My husband's cooking dinner for him and Romeo, my son, I'm in the lounge room with my head in a bucket.”
“I called my mum and I was just like, ‘I think I need to go to the hospital. I think I'm dying’ because that's exactly what it felt like. I quite literally thought I was going to die.”
“She came over and it was all discussed and we went off to the hospital, and I had lovely nurses who took me in and they used the word hyperemesis, and my ears propped up and I'm like, ‘Wait, what? This isn't morning sickness?’ And they're like, ‘No, honey, you have hyperemesis!’ And explained what that was, checked the baby, did all of the things, and admitted me for 24 hours.”
“I was extremely dehydrated, but I would have been for years at that point. And they said to me, You need some IV fluids because you're extremely dehydrated, and dehydration makes hyperemesis far worse.”
“And after three bags of fluids, I felt great!”
“So I was like, ‘okay, great. They're going to send me home. I'm feeling okay.’”
“The minute I got back in the car, the poison was back.”
“I just thought, ‘okay, one more day. Okay, one more day. Okay, can I do one more day?’ And that is how I got through that pregnancy. It was one minute, one hour, one day at a time...”
“And so we're driving home and my husband is trying to talk to me and I'm all zoned out and like, ‘oh, no, it's back.’ I'm dizzy - the whole lot.”
“We get home, I open the door, I'm on my hands and knees and I start vomiting again. And I burst into tears at this point. I hadn't really cried because I guess I felt angry, so I wouldn't let myself be upset. And I burst into tears.”
“My mum and dad were there because they had my son, and they saw me, and they were very worried. And so all of a sudden, it's not looking like morning sickness anymore.”
“That night I immediately was thinking about having an abortion: I need to terminate this pregnancy. That's what will make this sickness go away. That is why I am unwell. I can't even take care of my son. We can't do this.”
“I knew what doctor to see. I knew all the right things to say. I'd been offered a termination early on in that pregnancy. So I was like, I'm just going to go back there and I'm just going to do it. I'm not going to tell anyone, and I'm just going to tell people I miscarried.”
“It was a very, probably still to this day, the darkest day of my life.”
“A couple of days later, I confided in my husband and I told him how I was feeling and what I was planning on doing.”
“And his response was, ‘okay, if that's what you need,’ which was the perfect response. And I don't know, somehow his perfect response alleviated something. Still to this day, I'm not quite sure.”
“So I just thought, ‘okay, one more day. Okay, one more day. Okay, can I do one more day?’ And that is how I got through that pregnancy. It was one minute, one hour, one day at a time.”
“It was the second pregnancy that absolutely sent me over the edge... In that second pregnancy, I absolutely did acknowledge that I was not well, physically and mentally. That’s hard to say out loud, especially when the people around you always expect you to be well because you just always have been...”
“I think it was the second pregnancy that absolutely sent me over the edge. Yes, I began medication on Ondansetron, specifically, which did help alleviate for a couple of hours. So again, I felt like I could live day by day because I was getting a couple of hours relief.”
“In that second pregnancy, I absolutely did acknowledge that I was not well, physically and mentally. That's hard to say out loud, especially when the people around you always expect you to be well because you just always have been.”
“But in terms of screening and having conversations about my mental health with practitioners - no, never. Not a thing.”
“In hindsight, it absolutely was antenatal depression that I was experiencing. I was incredibly low.”
“I even remember my dad making a comment. I forced myself over one day for a family dinner. Obviously, I'm not eating, so I'm laying on the couch in and out of sleep or trying to sleep. And he made a comment at the dinner table like, ‘That's not my daughter. She's a shell of who she was.’ And I heard him, and it was validating to hear someone else recognise that, yeah, I'm not okay. But what do you do in that situation when the cause of not being okay is the pregnancy? It gets really tricky.”
“And I wouldn't have had capacity for therapy or anything like that. So yeah, I did rely on some of the small things that I knew about, say, for example, depression. Living one minute at a time is sometimes really helpful for people with depression. And I remember reading about that and so relied on that.”
“I knew I wasn't okay, didn't know what it was, though. But in hindsight, it absolutely was depression.”
Aside from a non-HG pregnancy, Amber-Lee reflects on what she wishes she had during her pregnancies to support her mental health: “An advocate.”
“I could not fight those battles, fight for a diagnosis, fight for an aggressive treatment method, fight for answers and understanding.”
“And yeah, just more support in general.”
“It's really difficult, though, when the people around you also don't understand and don't know. So I don't necessarily blame anyone for me not having an advocate. I certainly did blame my husband for a very, very long time, and that led into the difficulties I had postpartum the second time around because he was with me a lot and he saw. But yeah, when you don't have a baseline, you don't really know. And also being a male, things are just different. So while I felt supported by him. I really actually needed him to be an advocate.”
“And so this is something that I often share with women who reach out to me a lot for those who are struggling with hyperemesis is I will give them all of this information, and then I say, ‘Everything I have just sent you, you send to your partner or your safe person, and they need to know exactly what's going on, and they need to fight this battle for you. You are trying to survive right now. Focus on that. Their job is to advocate for you and here's all the information and resources you need.’”
“I will always, always say that to everyone that reaches out to me with HG, because I just know if you feel supported and people are trying to do everything that they can, it's not going to say, fix depression, but it is absolutely going to help in your healing journey.”
“This experience, I don’t know what it did to me, but it triggered basically what I understand now, PTSD. So I thought I was okay. This event happens. Now all of a sudden, I’m just not coping at all...”
“This time, the HG lasted the entire time.”
“Even in labour, I would contract and vomit, contract and vomit, contract and vomit.”
“The birth was very hard and fast and resulted in the same 3B tear. So all natural this time in the sense of no intervention. But just because she was so big somehow. She came out 4. 1 kilos, and I was genuinely confused because I'd eaten less food in the second pregnancy than I had the first. And I was just thinking, how is this possible? To this day, we still talk about it because we're like, we don't understand how she was so big.”
“And so then begins the second part of postpartum.”
“For the first couple of months, for the first 12 weeks postpartum, I was like, ‘Hey, I've got this. I'm feeling good because I'm not unwell anymore.’ Like the minute she was out, the HG was gone.”
“Yes, I have a birth injury, a repeated injury. But because there was no forceps trauma, the recovery was so much easier. For example, I could walk 50 metres, three weeks postpartum the second time around. I couldn't walk 50 metres, 10 weeks postpartum the first time without being in chronic pain. So the difference in recovery absolutely helped.”
“And I just felt like I had a good routine going. They were 15 months apart. My son was still very much a baby, but we just had some flow and routine. And my second baby actually did sleep better. And so there was a a few really good, positive things that were happening. So it felt less hard. It was still hard, but it felt less hard.”
“I started noticing as I was breastfeeding that she was having some issues during the feeds. And I was flagging this with nurses and midwives and things, and it just has fobbed off a little bit.”
“And we get to eight weeks postpartum, and I'm trying to feed her one day, and she's just total oral refusal, total breast refusal. The minute I pulled down my bra, she's just screaming, head turning, doesn't want a bar of it. I'm thinking, ‘what is going on?’”
“So I'm like, ‘Okay, bottle then.’ Would not take a bottle, just total oral refusal. We went and bought all different teats and did all of the things and different formulas and blah, blah, blah, and she wouldn't take anything. And this went on for three days.”
“I could breastfeed her twice overnight, so that's why I wasn't rushing to the hospital because I was like, ‘Okay, well, maybe tomorrow she'll feed.’ It was like relying on the next feed to work. And we got to day three and I was changing her nappy and her wee was quite literally orange, and I freaked out.”
“I didn't go to the hospital because I had this mentality that it wasn't urgent enough. It's like, how bad do things really have to be before you go to emergency? In my mind, it had to be really, really bad, like death row, almost, because I even felt guilty being in hospital with HG. That was my mentality at the time.”
“We book an emergency appointment with the GP, and he tells me that she has reflux and to try this reflux formula, and he's like, you're going to have to stop breastfeeding. I was livid. I was like, ‘what? That's your answer? How ridiculous! You didn't even try and watch me do a feed. What's your assessment? That's ridiculous!’”
“Anyway, we went and bought the formula he said to buy, which is the really thick reflux formula, and she took the bottle. And I burst into tears, relief that my baby was being fed and was taking some form of nutrients. And then also the guilt of not trying these different things earlier or going to the GP or hospital earlier.”
“She still was really, really, really, really tricky feeder throughout that first year of her life. And we managed, and she had appropriate weight, etc. So she was all fine. But this experience, I don't know what it did to me, but it triggered basically what I understand now, PTSD.”
“So I thought I was okay. This event happens. Now all of a sudden, I'm just not coping at all.”
“I would scream and yell and swear and shake. And it was like I could feel it inside me, but even my explosive behaviours weren’t enough to get it out. And I was constantly walking around with this rage and would rage all the time. My husband was the target because it was easier to be a bad wife than a bad mum...”
“It was like it exploded, all of a sudden. So now I'm not coping. I can't sleep. I am incredibly hypervigilant. I am so incredibly ragey. We all get angry. Anger is very normal. Rage, on the other hand, is just a whole new level of emotion.”
“I would scream and yell and swear and shake. And it was like I could feel it inside me, but even my explosive behaviours weren't enough to get it out. And I was constantly walking around with this rage and would rage all the time.”
“My husband was the target because it was easier to be a bad wife than a bad mum. So he would walk through the door and just absolutely cop it. And I blamed him for getting me pregnant. I blamed him for the way that my life looked, for not advocating for me or supporting me. This is where my head was at, at the time.”
“His response to me was to withdraw. So he would go quiet and shut down and avoid. So that was what our life looked like for a while.”
“And I knew something was wrong because I didn't like myself and I didn't like being this way.
“And I even remember feeding my daughter, Nila. She would have been like - I was trying to feed her solids - so like maybe seven months old-ish. And she wasn't taking it, of course. We talk about flipping your lid when you're angry, but this was like, I flipped the house upside down. It was not a flip the lid moment. It was just a full blown fire rage moment. Not necessarily directed at her, but she was obviously a witness.”
“That's what I mean: the triggers were just so minimal, but the reaction was so intense.”
“We were laying in bed one night, typical argument, which was our new normal. And I'm ragey, but I'm trying not to be because I'm trying to figure out how to cope with this because it was so uncontrollable and I felt so out of control and wired and heightened all the time. And I rolled over in bed angrily and had a really intense intrusive thought about hurting him. And I immediately was like, ‘Okay, that is not normal. It's not okay, but I am not okay.’”
“And it wasn't until that happened that I really thought ‘Okay, I need help.’”
“Me actually receiving that label, that diagnosis, it helped me extraordinarily...”
“The next morning, he left for work, and I called PANDA Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia. And I had this lovely woman on the phone, and I told her what had happened and what I was experiencing. And she didn't say a diagnosis or anything like that. And to be honest, I can't even remember now what she'd said to me, but it was all of the right things.”
“And so I took myself to the child health nurse to see what resources and support I could get through that avenue and also my GP so that I could go and see a psychologist. And I did. I was put in a few different programs.”
“I was offered medication many times and I refused. Again, it comes back to ‘I'm resilient, right? I don't need this. I can do it without the help,’ all of the things. I met with a psychiatrist, actually, which she had a really interesting conversation with me. She said, ‘Amber-Lee, with the way that you're going, you're going to end up in hospital.’”
“I did take in and consider the things that she'd told me, but thought maybe there was a bit of ‘I know myself better.’ I don't know.”
“So I did many different things in terms of trying to heal myself.”
“I didn't officially receive a PTSD diagnosis until about a year later with a therapist who I thought was wonderful.”
“It’s funny when we talk about PTSD with hyperemesis, because it was pregnancy trauma that we really focused on. Yeah, there was a little bit of birth trauma there. It was more focused around my injuries than anything. But this pregnancy trauma just seemed to keep coming up and she was catching it. I wasn't catching it, but she was.”
“And she'd said to me, ‘let's sit down and do a PTSD diagnosis because I think your pregnancies have traumatised you.’ I was like, ‘oh, wow.’ I had this light bulb moment of, ‘okay, that's what this is!’”
“I think it's probably helpful actually to talk about some of the symptoms and what they looked like.”
“So avoidance was one. I avoided anything that reminded me of being pregnant. My friends would tell me about their pregnancies and I wouldn't see them and I would feel physically unwell when they discussed it. So I would avoid pregnant friends.”
“I would be scrolling through social media and like anything pregnancy-wise, like delete, delete, unfollow, all of that. So there was this avoidance around pregnancy.”
“The hypervigilance, obviously, is a trauma response with your fight, flight, freeze, nervous system reactions. Again, that's where the rage comes from as well.”
“But this re-experiencing of HG symptoms! Sometimes I still get it after talking about it. It'll just be a couple of seconds these days. But back then, I would put on a jumper that I wore pregnant, and I immediately would feel poisoned and take it off straight away and it would be gone. So it was like these really weird associations.”
“Also, I still do every now and then, but I would always dream, and I guess it comes under a nightmare, a nightmare umbrella, of falling pregnant and waking up in fear that I was pregnant.”
“I would repeatedly pregnancy test myself. So if my period was, it's day 26, and I'm pregnancy testing because ‘where is my period?’”
“And then really easily triggered. So people would ask me, ‘Are you having any more kids?’ And I would fly off for them and feel angry for the whole day about that conversation, because how dare they? They don't know what I've just been through and what that means! This real, I guess, this lack of understanding around HG bothered me a lot. And so, yeah, lots of different triggers in conversations and things I'd see online and all of that.”
“I really learnt to channel that fiery energy into what is The Power of Birth and into conversations I have and into advocating for change and helping people understand perinatal mental health in general now. I've really branched out.”
“But I think having that diagnosis… I am a psychologist now, and people often talk about they don't like labels, and I respect that through and through. But I think it is dangerous to say that we shouldn't be diagnosing or labelling in general. If you don't want to be labelled, that's how I work with you. But me actually receiving that label, that diagnosis, it helped me extraordinarily.”
“I had: What is the problem? The problem is PTSD. How do we fix it? This is my treatment plan. And it worked.”
“It took a long time, but it worked and I felt better. And it took so much work from me to do as well, because you're trying to raise two children. I was in the pandemic that year that I had my second baby, all of those struggles that we were having in our relationship, with her feeding. And my son was also having seizures and things. So there was so much stress in my life.”
“Having to take care of myself and prioritise my mental health was incredibly difficult, but I couldn't have done it without support. I learnt to practise imperfection. I learnt to ask for help and rely on others because I realised very early on, I cannot do all of this on my own. And I now fight against those kinds of messages.”
“And like I said, I channel that energy into something that can be effective and drive for change. And my daughter is four and a half, nearly five now. So it's been a number of years. But it took a good at least two and a half to actually feel like I was normal again.”
“I will say in that time, I was putting so much pressure on myself. So I look back and just like, I went back to study during all of this. I was doing fundraisers for PANDA and birth trauma, and I was very, very involved. But at the same time, looking back thinking, I would never, ever tell anyone to do that! Do not copy me! That was not a good idea. Easier said than done, though, right? Because people were telling me all of those things when I was not listening.”
“The Power of Birth was therapeutic or cathartic in and of itself, connecting with loads of women who have had similar experiences and being able to feel like I had a community that got me...”
“There were many different things I did to help. It wasn't just therapy. There was lots of very physical, intensive things as well, hormonal things, hormonal therapy. I had a breathwork coach, and I just I tried every alternative there was, so medical and natural remedies. I did both and tried to really bring them both together and worked my ass off to get better. I was very determined. So that's where the determination was helpful.”
“I feel like in hindsight, it was probably all helpful. All of the things I was trying were bringing something of benefit to me.”
“I was put in different programs. There's one called Together in Mind, which is a perinatal mental health program for, I guess, the severe presentations.”
“I connected with peers, so peer workers.”
“I think The Power of Birth was therapeutic or cathartic in and of itself, connecting with loads of women who have had similar experiences and being able to feel like I had a community that got me.”
“I was working with a naturopath.”
“I had a breathwork coach, which probably sounds a bit funny because - and I get this a lot now as a psychologist, too - people are like, ‘I don't like mindfulness. Like breathing doesn't work.’ I get why you say that. I get why you say that. But the breathwork coach, her name is Nicola Laye. She just knew. I mean, she does perinatal, so she’s specialised, which I will always say is the best way to go. But there was something about the breathwork that I was doing.”
“Eventually we did some relationship counselling as well.”
“I was doing like women's circles and going to like these, they're feminist groups, essentially. But these really beautiful feminist circles that pre-baby never, ever would have gone anywhere near. I would have felt like that was so woo-woo and weird. But I was at the point where I was open to anything and I was willing to try anything.”
“And I think talking about it helped massively. That is genuinely how I process things just in general, let alone my mental health. So being able to process it and visit the unresolved issues over and over until they made sense in my mind.”
“That's how trauma works, right? It's like you're having flashbacks and things are being repeated or re-experienced because those pieces of the puzzle are spread in your brain. And this is my best way of describing it, at least. And by revisiting over and over, you're slowly putting the pieces back together. So you're restructuring or recreating that narrative, and it can go and be stored away.”
“And so The Power of Birth helped me in that way, massively. Therapy clearly was helpful. And I did a little bit of EMDR therapy with the therapist as well. So yeah, I was trying lots and lots of different things.”
“I was also seeing the dietitian, and I had lots of issues with my physical health after babies, obviously. I was incredibly malnourished, but all of a sudden gaining weight excessively. So there was lots of confusing things happening with my body.”
“So just seeing lots of different practitioners, but also the alternate things as well, things that I wouldn't have normally tried.”
In terms of what returning to ‘normal’ looked like, Amber-Lee says: “It felt like I had some control over myself again because everything felt so out of control.”
“Also, it's normal to have some bad days and just being able to acknowledge that this is a bad day. It's not a bad life or it's not a bad week, even.”
“And just, I guess, having the mental capacity and physical capacity to care for my family as well, because that was really tricky in those early years. And just being, having that sense of self back that strong sense of self back, feeling like my life was purposeful and I had a direction, and I just knew what I wanted. I wasn't disoriented anymore.”
“Yeah. That was my ‘normal.’”
“I look back at myself in the trenches and the depths of it all, and there’s so many things that I could say. But I think where my head is at today, I would say something like: It’s okay to practise imperfection...”
To end our conversation, Amber-Lee reflects on the advice she would share with her past self or with someone else struggling with their mental health because of HG.
“It's hard because I look back at myself in the trenches and the depths of it all, and there's so many things that I could say. But I think where my head is at today, I would say something like: ‘It's okay to practise imperfection. Actually, imperfection is a superpower.’”
“And I guess to those struggling with HG is: ‘it's not your fault. And you've done nothing wrong and you just need to focus on surviving,’ which is hard because there's not a lot you can say. We could say things like, ‘this too shall pass,’ and all of the things that you hear, but it's like, I actually would prefer to validate how you're feeling right now and that life is in survival mode and that, yeah, you're not okay, rather than try and take it away.”
“I think it comes down to the messages around ‘all that matters is a healthy baby.’ And I just think, why is this the standard?! Because in the name of a healthy baby, we're butchering mothers and dismissing mothers, and there is no care or support for mothers. Where in actual fact, if mum is well, it has ripple effects through families and communities.”
“So I think we need to restructure our standards or refine our standards because a healthy baby is not the standard.”
You can find Amber-Lee on on Instagram or Facebook @thepowerofbirth. “I also have a website with various resources and things as well. And the podcast is, Can we talk about this? by The Power of Birth. And that's where, again, I'm channelling all of that fire and energy to raise the standard.”
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Episode Sponsor
This episode of Perinatal Stories Australia is proudly sponsored by Mums Matter Psychology—because your mental health matters.
Frances and her expert team of psychologists, social workers, and occupational therapists are passionate about providing affordable, high-quality mental health care for pregnant women and parents with children up to 4 years old.
Through Medicare bulk-billed therapy sessions—up to 20 at no cost to you—they make support accessible to everyone. If you’re in Victoria, visit one of their welcoming clinic locations. Outside Victoria? Their nationwide Telehealth services bring care to your fingertips.
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