44 | Natalie
“I just kept thinking, how did I end up here? And I think a lot of us who go through this think that way. It’s never an easy or straight journey. I thought I was getting better, and then obviously, things come into your way or things come back.
It has given me a whole new perspective on mental health and mental ill health... you don’t often think it might happen to you. I never realised just how people could be pushed to the brink like I was.”
Just when she thought the debilitating anxiety of her pregnancy was behind her, Natalie found herself pushed to the brink by insomnia. What began as ten sleepless nights quickly unravelled into terrifying hallucinations and inescapable panic that she would never be able to sleep again.
In this raw and deeply moving episode, we sit with Natalie for part two of her story as she reveals the emotional toll of sleep deprivation and divulges one of the most vulnerable moments of her life: the unexpected mental health crisis she faced in early postpartum.
With heart-wrenching honesty, Natalie recounts the moment she asked her husband to leave the room so she could confide in the Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT) about her hallucination, the bittersweet decision to separate from her newborn baby in the hopes of finally getting some sleep, the desperation she felt when her prescribed sleeping medication did not work, and the unwavering support of her family as they witnessed the darkest hours of her crisis in the emergency room and the acute mental health ward.
This is not just a story of survival. It's a story about the profound difference that compassionate care can make, about the urgent need for better access to mother-and-baby mental health services, and about the importance of breaking the silence around perinatal mental illness. Above all, it’s a reminder that in our darkest moments, being held - both physically and emotionally - can be a lifeline.
Whether you’re a parent, partner, healthcare provider, or simply someone who cares, Natalie’s story will stay with you for a long time and show you that there is help, there is hope.
Please note, this episode discusses suicidal ideation. Go gently.
Catch up on part 1 of Natalie’s story in episode 43
“Within, I think the next hour or so, these lovely ladies rocked up and they came into the bedroom and they sat with me and explained a few things.”
“The stickman kind of had disappeared for a little while while I was talking to my family and the CATT team. I hadn't told them at this point what I was seeing in my head. To me it felt like, am I hallucinating? It also added to the fear that I was experiencing postpartum psychosis because I had read things that people start to obviously have these hallucinations. Sometimes they even go down the path of harming themselves because of these hallucinations and things like that. So I really started to hold onto this.”
“The CATT team were actually sitting on my bed and they said, ‘do you want to talk to us in front of your husband or do you want to be alone?’ And I actually looked at my husband and I said, ‘can you please leave the room?’ Because I was so terrified to tell him what I had been seeing in my head. Even though I had told him I was having these suicidal ideas, I didn't want him to hear that because one, I felt crazy, but two, I knew it would absolutely break him.”
“He looked at me, he started crying. But he said, ‘whatever you need, just know I'll be out in the lounge room.’ And my mum and dad were also out there, so he went out to see them and I sat with these ladies and I opened up to them what I was experiencing.”
“They just held my hand and they just said, ‘this is really common for new and experienced mums to go through.’ They said, ‘and no one talks about how hard it is.’ And they just explained, ‘you're going through a really big life change. There are a lot of things happening. And sleep…’ They just said, ‘sleep is key to obviously, a healthy mind.’ And they said, ‘you've gone this whole time with broken to no sleep, you have been pushed and pushed.’”
“I wasn't eating at this stage either. I just couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was extremely irritated and I just was not myself. So my mum describes it as like, you know, she'd often bring me things in to eat because I couldn't say what I felt like. And she said, you'd just sit there like a zombie, like, yeah, it just was a really dark time.”
“And they said, ‘we're going to get you the help you need.’ And I think just having that little bit of reassurance in a time when you're so vulnerable, just having them hold my hand and sit with me and say to me, you know, ‘let's take the pressure off.’ At the time, you can't obviously always believe it because I had already just, I guess, driven myself into really believing that I would never sleep again. And they just said, ‘we are going to get you better.’”
“I was screaming, crying, to my parents, ‘I just need to sleep.’ And they just couldn’t do anything to help me. And I think that was the hardest part, for my mum and dad to see me going through that...”
“From there, the conversations I had with them I can't recall quite well. They worked with their psychiatrists and stuff and ended up putting me on some medication to help me sleep.”
“They kind of explained it as like, you have a sleep bank. And they said, you know, ‘if you don't even get four hours in 24 hours, people start to get a little bit, you know, you just start to get a bit loopy or things start to happen.’ They didn't say loopy - they were very professional about their wording, but they kind of just said, you know, ‘you've gone, you know, nearly two weeks now without a decent amount of sleep. Like there is no wonder you're feeling the way you're feeling.’”
“Obviously when you do have a newborn they are waking constantly and things. And as I said, we were very lucky with Tilly’s sleep for the most part. But they had kind of said to me, ‘would there be an option for you to sleep either in a different room or at a different house so we can really rebuild your sleep bank?’”
“And this was a really hard part for me to kind of consider because I don't want to stay away from my baby and I don't want to stay away from my husband. But I craved that sleep so desperately that I had agreed to go to mum and dad's for one night.”
“So I think I left about 8.30 that night. I had taken a dose of Seroquel or Quetiapine to help me sleep. And they said ‘if you don't fall asleep in an hour to two hours - it's pretty fast acting - tell your parents and we'll reassess from there.’”
“And unfortunately I took the dose and I still couldn't sleep.”
“I was laying there and laying there and then I just started thinking, like you start thinking so many different things, like, oh my gosh, I'm away from my daughter. I'm not a good mum. What mum can't even be with their daughter 10, 11, 12 nights postpartum? Why is this happening to me? And then you start thinking, why can't I sleep?“
“I remember walking into my mum's room, she was snoring her head off and I was just thinking, how can you be asleep!? Like, why can't that be me? But also I had this fear that this little man was going to come back into my head and tell me to do something.”
“So I woke my mum up and I said, ‘I'm not sleeping, I just need sleep. Why is this not working. Can I just take more pills? Like, can someone just help me sleep?’ And my mum was like, ‘well, no, you can't just take more pills because that could be very dangerous too.’”
“That was the night that I experienced virtually my first mental ill health episode. Looking back now, my GP said it was called by the health professionals a major life adjustment disorder, but I had rapidly declined and I started having those suicidal thoughts again.”
“Unfortunately, the little guy did come back into my head and I just was not myself. I was just so irritable. I was screaming, crying, to my parents, ‘I just need to sleep.’ And they just couldn't do anything to help me. And I think that was the hardest part, for my mum and dad to see me going through that.”
“Maybe I was just so exhausted from so little to lack of sleep in that time and obviously whatever was battling on in my head, I had finally fallen asleep! And when I woke up I was in the adult acute mental health ward...”
“And she ended up calling the [CATT] team and they had kind of said, ‘we think it's a mental health crisis at this point. We think you need to present to ED and explain what's going on.’”
“So they took me into Emergency. When we actually arrived, I didn't have an anxiety attack, but I absolutely just broke down. I was crying and I ended up fainting from so much pressure. And then my mum and dad, like, were just crying as well and I think Mum said, she screamed, ‘can someone come out and help my daughter?’”
“They came and got me and then wheeled me into one of the waiting rooms, like, away from all the people. Not in the main waiting room, but, like, they admitted me into one of the little emergency ward rooms. And then I was sitting there and I think at this stage they did give me some type of benzodiazepine to calm myself down. And then my mum said I kind of shut off for a few hours.”
“We think that I actually was so exhausted, I finally got a little bit of sleep. And Mum said it was between 1am to about 3am, so it was only a few hours.”
“But then when I awoke from that sleep, the little man had popped back into my head and was telling me, ‘look around this room.’ My dad had fallen asleep on the chair and my mum was just sitting there, like, so fixated on me, and she's like, ‘you're awake.’ And I just said, ‘no, he's back, he's back in my head.’ And then my mum just started crying and she called out to the nurse, she said, ‘can you please help my daughter?’”
“From there they called in someone else and this is where I just don't remember a lot because they then started to give me some other type of medication. And that's when I actually finally went to sleep and it worked - whatever they had given me. Maybe I was just so exhausted from so little to lack of sleep in that time and obviously whatever was battling on in my head… I had finally fallen asleep!”
“And when I woke up I was in the adult acute mental health ward.”
“But I had agreed to that when I was awake and gave consent and mum and dad did too because we just knew how desperately I needed that sleep. And we ended up getting admitted for two nights.”
“I have only ever told my immediate family that because I think you have a lot of stigma that comes with that. And being a new mum, again, it meant that I was going to be away from my daughter for a few more nights and that was really hard. But again, I just craved this sleep. So, I knew how badly I needed it because I did not want to do what this man in my head was telling me to do.”
“It was a really confronting time, to know that that’s where I ended up and that’s part of my recovery. But yeah, unfortunately there is a lot of stigma around that when there shouldn’t be. I just kept thinking, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?...”
“For those who have been in an adult acute ward before, you see a lot of things, there are people, you know, under the influence of different substances and things. So then I started to be like, oh my gosh, this is where I am as a new mother and these are the people I'm with.”
“And it was really, really overwhelming.”
“I just went straight back into my room and locked myself in the room for the rest of the time. And [the nurse] said, ‘whenever you want your night meds again, you can take them’. And I just said, ‘please given them to me’ because I just wanted to sleep and forget where I was.”
“I was discharged from there after the two nights. So it was like 3am on the first night and then I slept for most of the day and then it was like I stayed one more night to try and get my sleep up.”
“But one of the mental health workers had said to my mum, ‘this is no place for a new mum and a baby.’ And she just said, ‘I'm so sorry your daughter had to be separated from her baby’ because where I live we don't unfortunately have access to mother-baby units or parent-infant units. They are a few hours away and often waitlists are extensive. But again, I really needed that sleep. This is where I had to be because of where my mind was going.”
“So yeah, it was a really confronting time, to know that that's where I ended up and that's part of my recovery. But yeah, unfortunately there is a lot of stigma around that when there shouldn't be.”
“I just kept thinking, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?”
“And I remember saying that to my husband and he just said, ‘who cares? This is our journey. Like our daughter's healthy, you're getting healthy again, that's all that matters.’ He's always been awesome in that perspective.”
“My mind started to also trick me, ‘this isn’t going to work. Why are you doing this?’ And, yeah, when you’re so far gone with your mental health and you’re just clinging on to every little bit of, I guess, hope that you can have and trying to put all of these things into place...”
“When I got discharged from there, things started to get quite good again.”
“They said there's a service, and you've talked about this on the podcast before, called Mental Health Hospital in the Home [HITH]. And they said, ‘would this be something you're interested in? It means you're in the health and safety of your own home. We come out to visit every day. We've got a psychiatrist who will see you once a week, prescribe you different meds to help with your sleeping. We've got OTs, like occupational therapist,’ blah blah, blah, blah - All sounded fantastic!”
“I was like, ‘yes! I just want to be home! I want to be with my husband! I want to be with my daughter, I want to be with my dog, I want to be my own bed! I want to, you know, overcome those challenges that I'm facing around the night-time!’”
“So I was discharged and put in the care of Hospital in the Home. And they were absolutely incredible.”
“They would come out each day, they gave me different types of medication to start off with to help me sleep. They started me on an antidepressant. So I started on Zoloft and then they also put me on Olanzapine to help with the sleeping for a few weeks. They said it's not a long term thing, but it's going to help you get that sleep back.”
“They gave me some really good sleep hygiene tactics, some really good grounding techniques. They were just amazing.”
“Along with the sleep hygiene, though, I tried a lot of herbal teas, bought some melatonin, you know, trying to get all these things, I guess, to help me sleep.”
“We actually had to trial a variety of different drugs as well. So this is where I kind of realised just how severe my insomnia was. You know, there were things like benzos to help calm me down, so Lorazepam and Diazepam. And then to help me try and get that sleep, we kind of switched between trying to find the right one. So Olanzapine. I tried Zopiclone, Temazepam and then Seroquel as well. And in the end the Olanzapine did assist.”
“But I do remember when I was first prescribed it and I was seeing the psychiatrist through Hospital in the Home, not a fault of his own, he meant it in the most genuine way but as he prescribed it, he said, ‘don't worry, if I took this, I'd be knocked out for two days.’”
“And of course I've gone to sleep at night thinking, yes, I'm going to be knocked out!”
“Linton, my husband, was happy to get up and do the night feeds and things. We'd organised it all. I'd actually gone to the spare room because I thought, I'm going to get knocked out!”
“And of course, what did I do? I took it and within the next few hours I'm still wide awake!”
“Just then thinking that okay, there actually is something severely wrong with me because, you know, this psychiatrist has told me I should be knocked out for two days! Why am I not knocked out for two days? And again, on comes that fear.”
“They all kept telling me it was anxiety, but when you're in that state, I was like, anxiety wouldn't do this! I've always been able to sleep! I used to nap in pregnancy, like, why can't I do that? And, yeah, again, it just kept replaying that fear and I guess that pressure you put on yourself. But because people around you in your village and those supporting you sometimes do say things that, you know, I've just taken and ran with and gone, well, ‘why is this not working?’”
“I think they described it to me like, your body goes into obviously fight, flight or freeze, but you're just so far beyond that by this point that your body is just always living in that fight mode and you cannot shut down.”
“Amongst seeing Hospital in the Home as well, I actually had booked in to see two different clinical hypnotherapists in the hopes that they could assist me.”
“I remember after one of my first sessions, it worked and I came to bed and I took, obviously the drugs as well, did a lot of sleep hygiene and I slept and I was like, this is amazing! This is the first I've slept since Linton's gone back to work and, like, a good, decent sleep. And then unfortunately, by the next few sessions, my mind started to also trick me, ‘this isn't going to work. Why are you doing this?’”
“And, yeah, when you're so far gone with your mental health and you're just clinging on to every little bit of, I guess, hope that you can have and trying to put all of these things into place.”
“And then eventually it all did click.”
“But, yeah, it was quite a frightening time because I would look back and be like, I've taken all these different drugs. I've seen all these different mental health professionals. I'm now doing hypnotherapy. Why can I not just switch this off?”
“And the anxiety never left. But it definitely improved during that time.”
“But throughout the day, I'd still be thinking, oh, how much sleep am I going to get tonight? Because I still wasn't sleeping great, but I was getting a little bit and I was like, are you going to sleep better tonight? How often is Tilly going to wake? Is there a point in sleeping if she's going to wake up in two hours for her feed? Still putting that pressure on myself.”
“I started to think about what I had been through and started doing a little bit of research. And I'm pretty sure that's when I stumbled across your podcast. And I was like, reading all these things about insomnia and anxiety… I was like, oh, my gosh, maybe this is a lot more common than I thought.”
“I'd spoken to a few friends by that time who had started to open up about things… it was like, okay, maybe this is a bit more common, I'm not alone in this.”
“And I started listening to episodes and things, and that's when I also started to discover that there are these places called mother-baby units or parent-infant units. And I was kind of thinking like, ‘wow, why do we not have this where I live?’ Because we are the second largest city in Victoria, so why do we not have a specific facility for this? Why did I have to spend two nights away from my daughter?”
“I just started to again get these overwhelming thoughts around: You’re not going to be able to do this. What if I go back to where I was and my husband’s not here to help me?...”
“At about six weeks postpartum, I had recovered from birth and things like that. And we'd been going out to cafes, doing all these beautiful maternity leave things with my husband. He had paternity leave for six weeks. Things are good. And I remember saying to my family, ‘oh, my gosh, I finally slept through last night!’ And like, obviously you're not sleeping through with a newborn, but it was like I had learned to get up, feed Tilly, and could go back to sleep.”
“And that was a big milestone.”
“You start to feel a bit more positive over time. And obviously having the Hospital in the Home staff come out to visit really helped with that as well. So they would always check in and see how I'm doing and things.
“But then I started to think, I've been doing all of this with my husband by my side and he goes back to work next week. And like a lot of us, when your partner or the person who's been assisting you is returning to work and things like that, I think this stems a lot of anxiety about, can I do this on my own? How am I going to cope without him here? How are things going to go?“
“And I just started to again get these overwhelming thoughts around: You're not going to be able to do this. What if I go back to where I was and my husband's not here to help me? And I was very fortunate to have like my mum and dad around the corner. My mum took a lot of time off work in the initial period, but she had gone back to work by that stage too. My mother in law and her partner live close by as well, so they were constantly checking in. And my dad's retired, so he was like, ‘don't worry, I'll be around every day while Linton's back at work and whatnot.’ So it's like I had that reassurance.”
“I think a lot of us who go through mental health struggles as well, we're always comparing or we're always, you know, ‘well, I couldn't even sleep a night at my own house when I first had a baby, so how am I going to do this without him?’ Like Linton had to do a lot of the night feeds when I was trying to recover and trying to get sleep and things like that. So I think a lot of that starts to go through your head.”
“And then I just started to get really anxious again. I stopped eating again and I stopped sleeping and a little bit of that irritability started to come back.”
“I guess a positive from this is that I recognised this time that that was happening. I said to my husband, I said, ‘I have kind of stopped eating, I'm having trouble sleeping again because I'm really worried about when you go back to work next week.’ And he was like, ‘you're going to be okay, you've got this, you know, you're a great mum,’ very reassuring and things.”
“But again, that underlying anxiety, no matter what someone tells you, you're just constantly like, no, I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna fail.”
“You're just grabbing onto that one little negative thing.”
“I remember sitting in the hospital with her and I was just so numb. And that sounds so horrible as a mother to say, like my daughter was ill and part of me couldn’t even think about that because I was just so pushed again into the brink. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating again and I just had this horrible, horrible feeling...”
”And then something happened… Tilly started getting blood in her poo.”
“So obviously, being a new mum, I had no idea this could be a symptom of cow's milk protein allergy and things like that. But I started freaking out. Why is my baby getting blood in her poos? Being someone as well with ulcerative colitis, I start thinking, ‘oh, my God, have I given my daughter my disease? Is this because I was sick in my pregnancy? I've set her up for a lifetime of failure. I would never wish that upon her, a little baby, with this disease.’”
“So we rang our GP straight away and then tried to speak to her. She was again quite reassuring. But, you know, you're just constantly thinking the worst. Or at least I was, anyway. My husband was a bit stressed out too because this is the health of our daughter now. And then she ended up doing a few in a row that were just pure blood.”
“I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but in my mind, my frantic mind, I just called an ambulance.”
“Had the most amazing paramedics come out and they actually said, ‘yep, we'd like to get her admitted to hospital.’”
“So then your mind starts racing like, oh my God, we're going to hospital with our six week old baby. What the hell? Why is she bleeding?”
“Obviously the anxiety came running back and the sleeping stopped and things like that. And thankfully that little man has never come back to visit again. But it has always been a fear that he will come back.”
“I remember sitting in the hospital with her and I was just so numb. And that sounds so horrible as a mother to say, like my daughter was ill and part of me couldn't even think about that because I was just so pushed again into the brink. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating again and I just had this horrible, horrible feeling that this man was going to come back. And I thought we'd had moved past that because we had a good few weeks in between.”
“So that was really, really difficult.”
“And still to this day I carry a lot of guilt around just feeling numb in that hospital when Tilly was admitted and just thinking, like, I knew she was going to get sick! I knew! You just think you're cursed.”
“Trust me, none of us want to end up like that. But yeah, it has given me a whole new perspective on mental health and mental ill health. You know, you're growing up and you hear a lot about it and things like that but you don't often think it might happen to you. I never realised just how people could be pushed to the brink like I was.”
“And I remember my mum just kept saying, ‘you need to be kind to yourself.’
“But when you're in that, you just can't take that on board. But now I look back, I'm like, she was so right. And a lot of the health professionals I saw would say similarly, ‘if you had a broken bone, you would go straight into hospital. It's the same. Your brain right now is a little bit broken, but we're gonna get it fixed.’”
“So, yeah, we only spent two nights on a paed ward at our hospital and they ruled out intussusception. That's what they thought it was. Which for me - when you go down the rabbit hole of Googling that as well, it was not nice. I just kept thinking, oh, my God, has she got this now? And you're just so worried about your baby, obviously! But they thankfully ruled out intussusception.”
“We saw a paed, they did some stool tests and they said, ‘we believe it's cow's milk protein allergy.’ I was still breastfeeding at this time, but we had been substituting with a little bit of formula because I was so worried about the heavy sleep meds I was on. They had said they were safe, but again, as a mum, you're like, oh, if this is making me drowsy, is it okay for a newborn, etc.?”
“They kind of advised to just do formula feeding straight up. So we swapped to a rice formula and thankfully it kind of cleared the bloody poo within a few days and things were looking really good.
“But then there was still that anxiety for me, like something could go wrong! We ended up back in a hospital! The hospital brought up a lot of, I guess, past trauma and anxiety. And then also I started having new anxiety around, oh, my God, I've stopped breastfeeding fully now! What happens now? Is she gonna, you know, get diseases when she's older because I didn't breastfeed for long enough?”
“And again, you just start playing all these things on your mind and that anxiety just feeds off that. And it just started, yeah spiralling.”
“I give credit to, honestly, your podcast and things like that, that make it a safe space... I felt like since I listened to some of your podcast I felt like I always knew I was going to end up in one. But it wasn’t until she held my hand and I got that reassurance that it was like, ‘this is going to be okay.’ This is going to be a safe place where I can actually be with Tilly and I can get the help that I well and truly need...”
“Around that same time that she was in and out of the hospital, the Hospital in the Home was still seeing me and they were ready to discharge me. But then obviously things started getting worse.”
“I said to them, ‘I'm not suicidal again, but I'm worried I'm going to be because I'm starting to have a few nights now with no more sleep, I'm not eating well and, you know, things are going on. It's taking me back to where I was and I don't want to end up there again.’”
“And I had the most beautiful mental health nurse, she held my hand and she said to me, ‘I'm going to tell you something.’”
“She goes, ‘have you heard of a mother-baby unit (MBU)?’”
“And I said, ‘yes, actually I have,’ because I've been doing a little bit of research and, you know, listened to a few podcasts now.”
“She said, ‘I volunteered at one during placement… it was the most beautiful space.’ And she said, ‘while Mental Health Hospital in the Home is a fantastic service, unfortunately at the moment we don't have anyone who specialises in perinatal.’”
“‘There are people out there who specialise in this and they can help you and I think you would really benefit from going there.’”
“It was in the back of my mind, I felt like since I listened to some of your podcast I felt like I always knew I was going to end up in one. But it wasn't until she held my hand and again I got that reassurance that it was like, this is going to be okay. This is going to be a safe place where I can actually be with Tilly and I can get the help that I well and truly need after everything that has now happened.”
“She said ‘there's a nearer [MBU] about an hour and a half away, but we can get you into another one straight away that's two hours away. Would you be open to this?’”
“And I just said, ‘yes, please, just whatever you can do, send me there!’”
“At this stage, Linton had come home from work, we'd had the discussion with him, he was a bit like, ‘oh my gosh, they're sending you two hours away!’ and things like that. But no, we know this is what I needed to do to well and truly beat this anxiety for good. Not that I think you ever beat it for good, but to really, hopefully get things back on track.”
“I give credit to, honestly, your podcast and things like that, that make it a safe space. And that's, I think, the biggest thing. You don't look at it as a psych hospital, like, yes, it's a psychiatric hospital. But that's where I think this stigma comes in. And it's like, no, this is actually really normal.”
“And I've since had people open up to me and share with me. They've also been in one and things like that or reach out to me, asking how I got into one and what they can do. So I'm forever thankful for places like yourself, where you have that safe space for women or parents to share what they've been through, how to get potential help.”
“And places like this, there absolutely has to be more of them! I just think, why is there not one in my main city? But hopefully in the future, by the time, you know, if Tilly wants to have kids when she's older, maybe it'll be here. Maybe we can advocate for that. But, yeah, they can be daunting, though.”
The day before Natalie was admitted to the mother-and-baby unit
“I just kept thinking, like, how did I end up here? And I think a lot of us who go through this think that way. It’s never an easy or straight journey. I thought I was getting better, and then obviously, things come into your way or things come back...”
“This all happened on a Friday and they eventually could get me in that weekend.”
“I was very thankful to kind of get in straight away. It was just before Christmas this was all happening and I remember they had rung and spoke to me on the phone, told me some things to bring, some things not to bring and, you know, explained how it all works.”
“I remember just saying to the lady, ‘am I going to be out of there by Christmas?’”
“And she said to me, ‘look, most people stay for four weeks minimum to get the help they well and truly need.’ And then I remember thinking Four weeks!? That's so long!”
“But in the hindsight of things, it's a safe space. If that's what your mental health needs, you know, this is your way to really get better and make that recovery. And she just kind of explained that. So then in my head I kept thinking, oh, my God, I'm not going to be home for Christmas.”
“I remember when I first arrived, it was a weekend. So they had said, you know, ‘it's quite quiet this weekend. A lot of them are on weekend leave, so just settle yourself in.’”
“Probably the first two nights were the hardest, and I really struggled. Then it started sinking in. Okay, actually, why am I here? Why am I in a psych hospital again? Even though I'm with Tilly now, the nurses would take her at night so I could get, like, sleep restoration. And then I started thinking, you're a failure. You can't even do nights.”
“It unfortunately caused me to become a little bit depressive again, a little bit suicidal. And I just kept thinking, like, how did I end up here?”
“And I think a lot of us who go through this think that way. It's never an easy or straight journey. I thought I was getting better, and then obviously, things come into your way or things come back.”
“I remember on the Sunday when I woke up, I don't know what they were giving me, but I'd been in and out of some light sleep. And I had said, ‘I'm not sleeping great still.’ Obviously, being away from home was a big contributing factor, too.”
“But one of the nurses kind of sat with me, and she said, ‘just let it out. Just cry with me. I'll sit with you.’”
“And then she said, ‘if you get a chance, there's a beautiful book over there of discharge messages. I would encourage you to read it if you feel up for it.’”
“I kind of sat there for a while, and I thought, I'm kind of done feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'll just do something. I'll just go and read it.”
“And I remember opening it, and one of the first messages I read was, like, ‘the first two nights will always be the hardest.’ And I was like, oh, my gosh! This is exactly what I'm going through. Like, it's been two nights now. I'm starting to feel a little bit more optimistic. I'm starting to think, you know, yes, I'm in the right place. I'm gonna get the help I needed. And then I continued to read all of these beautiful messages from either mothers or parents who had been, you know, admitted prior to me. And it was just like, ‘hold on to that little glimmer of hope. I came in here with absolutely nothing, and now I'm leaving feeling like myself again. Like, you will get that spark back.’ And just these incredible messages!”
“And it was that, that honestly gave me that little bit of hope. These people have come in in very similar situations to me. There were some beautiful messages, even written from, like, the partner's perspective about what their partner had been through to end up there and how they had come out of that.”
“Then I started thinking, yep, this is the right place to be. Let's just get me better. It doesn't matter if I'm here for Christmas.”
“It was what I needed. She just knew.”
"I'd had so many people for so many weeks now telling me, ‘try this, sleep with this’ and obviously nothing wrong with that, but she just said, ‘I'm just gonna sit with you and please just let it out.’”
“It was the turning point, I think.”
“Smiling but I remember how scared and numb I was on the inside” - The first day of Natalie’s admission to the mother-and-baby unit (MBU) with Tilly
“He just was so in love with his new daughter that that was really hard to be away from both of us. But he knew that it wasn’t going to be forever and he trusted that this is the only way I can truly hopefully sleep again...”
“I ended up doing two weeks. So I was home for Christmas - which I didn't expect, but I had accepted that I wouldn't be. So I think that was a really special turning moment as well, when I did get discharged.”
“But they were incredible in there.”
“And honestly, the staff there were just so beautiful. I think it takes another level of, I don't know, to work in somewhere like that. The things they do and the things they would see, the people they help, I just think you are incredible!”
“They were decorating a Christmas tree at one point. They said, ‘come on, we're all going to help.’ And we all got up, we wrote beautiful messages. We did lots of group activities. A lot of like the cognitive behavioural therapy that was really, really helpful. And that's what I think in the end really helped me sleep.”
“I still didn't sleep great in the parent-infant unit. You know, I had my own room and things like that. But it was just being away from home.”
”My family could stay or visit anytime they wanted. But for me to get better, because all of the anxiety was around night time, my husband and I agreed that I needed to try a few nights on my own. So he would travel the two hours - he took a lot of time off work - travel the two hours back and forth each day, but he would go home for the nights. And that was really hard, saying goodbye every night.”
“And I think for him too, he just was so in love with his new daughter that that was really hard to be away from both of us. But he knew that it wasn't going to be forever and he trusted that this is the only way I can truly hopefully sleep again and be back to who I was pre-all of this happening. Not that I think you ever go back to who you were anyway, things definitely change. But to get me the help I needed.”
“So yeah, it was two weeks in the end and the psych would come in every Tuesday and Friday, do reviews, started me on some new antidepressants, Mirtazapine, that actually helps with sleep. And then same thing, put me back on the Olanzapine because I'd stopped that when I was sleeping again. And then she said, ‘no, we're going to do that for another two weeks and assess from there if you still need that when you go home.’ And then when I went home, I had it for another two weeks and then was able to kind of taper off that.”
“I think being open to medication was a new one for me. The antidepressants I was probably a lot more open to, but the ones that help you sleep I was a bit reluctant and probably because I did, unfortunately, do a lot of Googling like a lot of us. And I was like, ‘oh my God, they are anti-psychotic ones! Like maybe I do have a bit of underlying like psychosis or something?’ But then at the end I've accepted it was to get me that sleep that I so desperately craved and needed.”
“And I think that was a big part of my recovery, I think one of the Hospital in the Home staff said to me, ‘you need to work with the meds not just take them and think they're going to work.’ And it wasn't until kind of that point, and then being in the mother-baby unit, similar things and putting all of these, I guess, recovery techniques into play, then once you do start to take the medication, alongside healthy sleep habits, alongside cognitive behavioural therapy, alongside grounding techniques and doing everything you can and kind of accepting, ‘okay, I might have had a bad sleep last night, but it's not going to be like that forever. And okay, tonight was a little bit better, maybe tomorrow will be, you know, even better than that.’ And once you start doing all of this, it actually does fall into place and then you do realise how heavy those medications can be and you look back and you go, oh my gosh, I wish, wish I could have told myself this! But would I have believed it? I don't think so in that time.”
“Even now I still do get slight insomnia certain nights and things. But when you get even a four or five hours’ sleep - and obviously being a new parent too, I've heard this from a lot of people who just are new parents, you just kind of, you take that and you're like, I feel refreshed now!”
“I often look back to the time where I went the 10, nearly 11 nights without absolutely a wink and I think if I can get through that, I can get through a night of broken sleep or a few hours because of something else now.”
“That was absolute torture and there's a reason they used sleep deprivation as torture. But yeah, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone because when you're fighting your own mind and then you're awake with your own mind, that is probably the worst level of torture you can receive.”
“I really liked in the parent infant unit too, it wasn't all about mental health and fixing your mental health, obviously that's the reason you're there. But they also had these beautiful like baby massage classes and like different activities you could do with the other mums as you said.”
“And it was on the Monday onwards when the other mums started to filter through, and one of them was getting discharged on the Tuesday after she had her psych review. And I remember, I was in the steriliser room doing my daughter's bottles and learning all of that too - because I was like, ‘oh, have I even done this properly? Like formula feeding is new to us now!’ - and learning all of that with one of the nurses there and this mum came in, she introduced herself and she said, ‘I'm leaving today. No matter how long you're here, it will get better, I promise you.’ And she actually said, ‘and you will sleep again.’”
“I was like, ‘oh my God, you're going through what I'm going through!’”
“And from there things just, thankfully, started to improve. I started to really for once actually listen to what these professionals are telling me and soak it in rather than just the anxiety overriding it. Which was a big thing for me as well. So, yeah, spent two weeks there. Learned a lot in that time about myself, obviously how to care for a baby.”
“And I guess I've carried a little bit guilt for a while but I've overcome that now about, ‘oh my gosh, some of Tilly's life was spent in parent-infant unit’ and I know you've talked about this too, Rebecca, you just have that, I don't know if it's shame or guilt or all of that, but it's like, why is this part of my journey?!’
“But my husband's always been so amazing in that perspective. He's like, ‘who cares? Like we ended up there but we got the help we needed and now you can advocate for that for other people who really need it.’”
“You’re always going to remember certain people... They have such a huge impact on you when you’re in that vulnerable state. And I will never forget that beautiful nurse...”
“And then yeah, we got discharged, came home, was home for Christmas, which was really special!”
“I think it's very bittersweet. I know from my perspective, as I said, even during the pregnancy, hospitals and scans and things bring up a lot of anxiety, but they also can bring reassurance. And it was a bit like the same in the parent-infant unit. Being there was like, yes, this is where I need to be! But then I was also like, I'm still not sleeping great, if not at all. Like, shouldn't I just be home? And I missed my dog so much, Bonti. I was like, I need to get home to my dog!”
“I was able to leave each day and go do things and they encouraged that I did things on my own and whatnot. But it was like, I just want to be back in my hometown. I want to go to our local café, I want to get a coffee. I want them to say, ‘Hi, Tilly. Hi, Bonti. Here's a smacko! Hi, Linton.’ And yeah, so for me, it was very bittersweet.”
“It was like, yes, I'm coming home! Yes, I'm going to be back alone with just my family and our daughter and I'm going to be learning things! But it was also like, you've really come so far. Now you know what a parent-infant unit involves. You've been here before. It's really not that daunting. You know, you've got all these things in place. You're recognising your symptoms. This time round, if things start to go backwards again, I would 100% be open to going back into a parent-infant unit without hesitation.”
“So for me, yeah, I thought I would be a lot more scared, to be honest, but I think I was ready and I was exhausted and I was like, let's get me home. Like, let's try this and put everything into place. I had a massive bag I left with just notes and printouts and things.”
“And I've used them since. Like, I always go back and find these little grounding cards they gave me if I'm noticing things are really starting to heighten. So for me, yeah, it very bittersweet… saying goodbye to these people that you've connected with and, you know, become familiar with. But it was also like knowing we're coming into our first Christmas with our daughter and I get to be home for that. That was, yeah, really special.”
“Still didn't sleep great in the mother-baby / the parent-infant unit. But it did definitely improve when I got home and I was able to come off the sleeping medication after a few weeks.”
“They had said, ‘we'll send all your notes to your GP.’ My GP has been absolutely phenomenal. Like I saw her prior to getting pregnant and things. She's always been aware of everything that goes on with me and she was a really big advocate for obviously continuing that I care for my mental health.”
“Then I was obviously also put in touch with a local perinatal psychologist and finding the right one too is really important. But I was pretty fortunate. Maybe it was because I was in such a vulnerable state that I did latch to her straight away! But I've been seeing her now since this period. My daughter's 15 months now, so, like around a year I have been seeing her and talking to her and she's been so, so helpful and I just really connect with her.”
“I've just been able to utilise a lot of what she's helped me with, to not so much recover, like there are still nights where I'll experience insomnia. If Tilly gets sick now, it kind of comes back. But she always says to me, ‘look at you!’ I think the last time Tilly was unwell, I said, ‘I didn't sleep for that night. And then I, you know, had a bit more sleep the next night.’ She said ‘you were going nights without sleep now, you know, it might be one or two here or there, but you are really improving. You're recognising as well!’”
“She said, ‘that's a big thing…when you recognise that you need that or that that's happening to you, that's a really big step. So that's been kind of a big part of helping me regain control over my anxiety.”
“She's been phenomenal… Since her help, like, I was able to go from seeing her every two weeks, and then we kind of spaced it to once a month and then we just kind of spaced it to when I needed it. And even seeing that improvement for me was a really big step.”
Upon discharge from the MBU, Natalie was again placed in the care of Hospital in the Home. “I think they did come out one or two times to visit and they kind of said, ‘look, things seem like they're going really great. You've got a different perspective on things.’”
“It was the same nurse who told me to go into the mother-baby unit - she didn't force me, but she said ‘I think it'd be great for you’ - is the same one who said, ‘I've got a great perinatal hub, that I can recommend you.’ And she told me, ‘can you please make sure you connect with one of the psychologists? If you don't connect, don't continue with them. You need to find someone else!’
“And she will always, I think I'll always remember. You're always going to remember certain people, but it's like the midwife who delivered our baby. They have such a huge impact on you when you're in that vulnerable state. And I will never forget that beautiful nurse, the health professional. She was just amazing.”
“It’s had those really dark, scary times for me and for my family, seeing me go through that. It’s also been the best damn year of my life with my daughter...”
“It's true, but I've never experienced a love like for my daughter. She is just the best little thing to ever happen to us. And I often think, at one point I just did wish a bit of that away. Not that I ever wished her away, but the fact I was, I guess, pushed to such a vulnerable and dark, scary place in my life. I have never been in that state before, but I wasn't thinking I could be here for all of this. It just… I can't even imagine. She is the best thing to ever happen to us.”
“They say all these things like ‘children can feed off your anxiety’ and stuff. And so I was like, she's gonna get all my anxiety! We spent time in a parent-infant unit! but honestly, she is just so social and she has the best personality. Like, her and Bonti are best friends.”
“Yeah, we've come such a long way.”
“Even the past year, like, it's had those really dark, scary times for me and for my family, seeing me go through that. It's also been the best damn year of my life with my daughter.”
“The fact she's already, you know, 15 months old, and they all tell you ‘time flies,’ but it's like, wow, it just has really flown by. And I do feel a little bit robbed of those first initial months, probably the first three to four months where I was just so, so riddled with anxiety that I felt I couldn't always enjoy or embrace motherhood.”
“But at the same time, I've also learned to accept a lot of that and look at things from kind of how my husband says, like, that was part of my journey. And I guess that's why now I just feel the need often on social media, to share, you know, this is where I've come from. And I promise you, it does get so much better, and it will get better.”
“And everyone's journey is so, so different. You know, it's not linear, as you often say. It's not just a one-size-fits-all. I had to try different medications, I had to try different techniques. I’ve done an adult psych ward. I've done a parent-infant unit. I've done Mental Health Hospital in the Home, and now I still see a psych. There are many things contributing to helping me get back onto track, but I've been able to come off antidepressants, and I've had a few episodes since of heightened anxiety around Tilly getting unwell and ending up back in hospital and things like that. But I've been able to control that anxiety to the point where it's no longer overwhelming me or taking over my sleep and my eating and things like that.”
“So to anyone out there listening to this, we all say it but it does get better. And you will. You will find yourself again, however that looks.”
“Just be open to accepting the help you need as hard and as scary as it can be. And I guess just connecting with others and being real about it. You know, I've got some friends now who are going through their first pregnancy or going through their first postpartum, and a lot of them have reached out to me and said, like, ‘hey, I've actually got a bit of anxiety. I started seeing a psych because of you.’ And it just feels so, so rewarding.”
“And I can imagine from your perspective, Rebecca, having this podcast that is continuing to grow and having so many more parents come on and share their journeys is just… We need to see more of this!”
“And I just think these beautiful success stories… It's that glimmer of hope that I felt in that parent-infant unit.”
“I'll just never not stop advocating for that, because I think it's so, so important.”
“And the fact that, you know, there was a time where I was potentially not thinking I could do this or be here, and now I've made it through this, and I just want to keep doing it with my daughter.”
“I think when you've been through that, you have even so much more of, like, an appreciation for oh, my gosh, this is my life. And yes, I'm here now and I survived, I did it.”
“It's hard enough being a new mum or an experienced mum, let alone one who has to battle their own mind over things. So, give grace to yourself, be kind to yourself.”
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Episode Sponsor
This episode of Perinatal Stories Australia is proudly sponsored by Mums Matter Psychology—because your mental health matters.
Frances and her expert team of psychologists, social workers, and occupational therapists are passionate about providing affordable, high-quality mental health care for pregnant women and parents with children up to 4 years old.
Through Medicare bulk-billed therapy sessions—up to 20 at no cost to you—they make support accessible to everyone. If you’re in Victoria, visit one of their welcoming clinic locations. Outside Victoria? Their nationwide Telehealth services bring care to your fingertips.
Mums Matter Psychology also offers a range of online therapy groups and webinars, providing additional ways to access support and connect with others on a similar journey.
Ready to take the next step? Visit mumsmatterpsychology.com to learn more and book your appointment today.
