"Why Is This Happening to Me?": 7 Gentle Reasons to Stop Searching for the Reason
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If you're struggling with perinatal depression or anxiety (PNDA), or any other perinatal mental illness, chances are you've asked yourself a question that feels both urgent and impossible: "Why is this happening to me?"
Wanting to understand why you feel this way is completely natural. But when you’re in the middle of a mental health crisis, that search for a reason can actually make things harder.
Here’s why it might be time to stop fixating on the cause of your PNDA - and how letting go of that pressure could actually be the first step towards real, compassionate support.
Why Is This Happening to Me?
I used to ask myself this question constantly.
As someone who is uncomfortable with uncertainly, I was desperate to make sense of what I was experiencing. Knowledge is power… right?
In the thick of my mental health crisis, looking for the ‘reason’ behind my PNDA became an obsession. But no matter how hard I ruminated, there were no clear ‘red flags’ that could explain the weight of anxiety, panic, insomnia, hypervigilance, and numbness that crept in. And because I couldn’t find a tidy explanation, I landed on the only one that seemed to fit:
“There must be something wrong with me.”
And let me tell you, that’s a painful and isolating headspace to be in. And it’s a belief I now know isn’t true.
The truth is, sometimes there is no obvious, tangible reason for perinatal mental health challenges. And even when there is, obsessing over the cause rarely brings relief. In fact, it can keep us stuck in shame, comparison, and self-blame - all of which make recovery even harder.
Based on my lived experience, I’ll share seven (7) reasons why it might be time to stop looking for the reason behind your PNDA when you’re in the thick of it - and how letting go of that search could actually help you more.
7 Reasons to Not Fixate on the Reason
Self-Blame.
When we're struggling with perinatal anxiety or depression, it's natural to want to understand why. But often, that search for a reason turns inwards and we start looking at what we did wrong.
In your words.
“Postnatal depression and anxiety . . . is about your emotional health, and it's very much also a medical issue.
There was no real tangible reason for me. I had no idea why the switch flicked. Maybe now I can look back and I can reflect and go, ‘well, maybe I was a little bit too wound up.’
I was very anxious and stressed about the way the pregnancy was going. There were other factors in my life at that time that were not particularly easy, and the COVID pandemic.
I can see that now. But back then, I absolutely could not see that there was any factor that had caused my anxiety - other than myself. So, yeah, that's a bit of an important one: to not go searching too hard for the answers.”
I can’t begin to tell you the amount of time I spent agonising about what I could have (or ‘should’ have) done differently to prevent my acute mental health episode in postpartum. When was the micro-moment it all went wrong? What split decision should I have made instead?
Maybe you wonder if it was the way you half-heartedly agreed to a certain intervention during birth. Or the fact that you didn’t seek a second opinion about breastfeeding. Or that you didn’t get the golden hour with your baby immediately after birth.
Before long, curiosity becomes criticism, and self-blame creeps in.
This kind of thinking is not only unhelpful, it’s unfair. Perinatal mental health conditions are not caused by personal failure, poor choices, or lack of gratitude for your baby. These conditions are complex and multifactorial, influenced by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors like hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, previous trauma, and more - none of these things are your fault.
Blaming yourself only adds to the emotional weight you’re already carrying and can delay the support that would actually help you heal. Compassion, not guilt, is what makes recovery possible.
So whatever ‘reason’ you’ve come up with, please know this: you are not to blame for your perinatal mental health challenges, and you do not have to fix it alone.
Self-Invalidation.
One of the most common, and harmful, beliefs people have about perinatal mental health is that there must be a ‘valid’ reason to feel this way. We may hear ourselves think things like:
“But my baby is healthy, I have nothing to complain about.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I should just be grateful.”
When we hold ourselves to these invisible standards of what counts as ‘bad’ or ‘serious’ enough, we end up dismissing our own pain. This might lead us to downplay the intensity of our symptoms, avoid opening up to loved ones, or delay seeking help altogether.
But here’s the truth: you don’t need a dramatic or logical story to justify how you feel. Mental health challenges like perinatal depression and anxiety can affect anyone, regardless of how things may seem from the outside.
Invalidation, especially when it comes from within, can deepen isolation and increase shame. But recognising and validating your own struggles is a powerful first step towards healing. Your experience is real, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be taken seriously.
Please don’t let anyone - including yourself - tell you that your PNDA doesn’t matter or that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. If you're suffering, you deserve support. Full stop.
Unhelpful Comparison.
When you're struggling with PNDA, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparison. You might hear someone else’s story about a traumatic birth, a NICU admission, or a significant life stressor, and think, “Well, what I went through wasn’t that bad, so why am I feeling like this?”
This kind of thinking can be incredibly invalidating. It creates a harmful belief that only people with the worst-case scenario deserve support, and that if your experience doesn’t seem as severe, you should just cope on your own.
But mental health doesn’t work that way.
Your pain is real, even if it looks different. Believing someone else has a ‘better’ reason than you for experiencing mental ill health will only deepen shame, increase isolation, and prevent help-seeking - which are the last things you need when you’re already struggling.
Everyone’s journey through conception, pregnancy, birth and postpartum is different. You don’t need to earn validation or support by proving you’ve suffered enough. If you’re not feeling like yourself, that’s reason enough to seek support.
Shame.
When we can’t find a clear reason for our PNDA, or when we tell ourselves that our reason isn’t valid ‘enough’, it’s unfortunately too easy to internalise the idea that something must be inherently wrong with us.
In your my words.
And I suppose that's a big part of the problem. Not so much the anxiety or depression itself, but rather the self-criticism I have for feeling the way that I do. The stories I suddenly told myself, that added layer of shame...
I was angry and embarrassed how I felt, because again, I don't have a real reason to feel this way. I'm healthy and I seem to grow healthy babies and everyone tells me how much I glow, but there's this awful, gnawing feeling in my stomach that I'm not cut out for pregnancy. Maybe my body is, but my mind isn't.
And it just once again reinforced this narrative that my brain is broken, and that really hurts to sit with, because what's wrong with me? What's wrong with my brain?”
I know this first-hand. With no reasonable answer to the question ‘why?’ after hours of rumination, it didn’t take me long to conclude that I was just broken or crazy. And because I couldn’t explain what was happening, I convinced myself that healing just wasn’t possible for me. To my core, I truly believed that I was beyond help. After all, how do you fix broken and crazy?
These thoughts are the voice of shame. And shame, especially when it’s internalised, can be one of the biggest barriers to seeking help. It tells us we’re weak, unworthy, or somehow failing at motherhood. But none of that is true. These are symptoms, not truths.
Perinatal mental health conditions are common, treatable, and never a reflection of your worth. You don’t need to have a diagnosis that ‘makes sense’ or a story that sounds dramatic to deserve support. It doesn’t matter if someone else is coping ‘better’ in the same situation. The simple fact that you’re struggling is enough.
And you are absolutely worthy of, and capable of, recovery - please don’t let the shame of PNDA convince you otherwise.
Disappointment.
Sometimes we latch onto a specific reason for our PNDA, like breastfeeding challenges, sleep deprivation, or a colicky baby, hoping that if we ‘fix’ that one thing, we’ll start to feel better. Cause and effect, right?
While it’s true that addressing certain stressors or unmet needs can help, it doesn’t always heal the experience of PNDA. Mental health is complex, and recovery often requires more than just solving one external issue which we perceive to be the reason.
When our symptoms persist despite addressing the ‘cause’, we may feel defeated, disappointed, or even blame ourselves for not doing enough. This can deepen the emotional distress and fuel unhelpful thoughts like:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Breastfeeding is better now, so why do I still feel this way?”
“Maybe I really am just weak or broken.”
But here's what’s important to remember: not feeling better right away doesn’t mean you’re failing. During periods of acute emotional overwhelm, especially in the perinatal period, our brain’s ability to think clearly, problem-solve, or engage in reflective thinking can be significantly impacted. This means that your brain and body need time, care, and the right kind of support - more than it needs a reason.
PNDA isn’t always logical or linear. Focusing too much on a single cause can set us up for unrealistic expectations and even greater emotional let downs. Instead, focusing on a well-rounded approach, like getting the right emotional support, professional care, and self-compassion, can make a real difference in your recovery - even if you never find a clear reason for why you're feeling this way.
Avoidance.
When we believe a certain person, place, or experience caused our mental health struggles, it's natural to want to avoid anything that reminds us of this. This can look like steering clear of baby groups, hospitals, certain conversations, or even future pregnancies - all driven by the understandable instinct to ‘protect’ ourselves.
But while avoidance may feel like relief in the short term, over time it tends to make our world smaller and our anxiety stronger.
Trying to protect yourself by avoiding triggers - rather than being supported to gently work through them - can quietly reinforce the belief that we're not safe, that something is wrong with us, or that we’re not strong enough to cope. It can keep us stuck in fear and prevent us from reconnecting with the parts of life that once brought joy, confidence, or meaning.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should just white-knuckle it or force yourself into distressing situations. Healing doesn’t come from avoidance or from pushing too far, too fast - it comes from feeling supported and safe.
You don’t need to have all the answers to begin healing. You can begin to rebuild that sense of safety and trust both in yourself and the world around you - even without avoiding all the triggers. With the right help, you can learn to gently face what feels hard and live in a way that’s not controlled by fear or avoidance. Healing is possible and you don’t have to do it alone.
Suffering Alone or For Longer.
Searching for a reason for our perinatal mental ill health simply shifts the focus away from actually acknowledging that we ALL deserve support. Full stop.
In your words.
“I spoke to the psych about it. ‘It doesn't make any sense. I have no reason to be anxious. These panic attacks are coming at times where there's no reason for the anxiety.’
And she was like, ‘Okay, stop focusing on the reason and just focus on the symptoms.’
I just remember being mind blown. Like, ‘oh, yeah! Yeah, that's actually really true!’
That was like such a teeny tiny thing, but it actually still has helped so much with bringing myself back and being like: Stop focusing on the ‘why’. The ‘why’ doesn't matter. Just focus on the deep breathing and things like that.”
When we fixate on finding the cause for perinatal depression or anxiety, we can start to convince ourselves that our pain has to be ‘justified’ before we can ask for help. So, unfortunately, if we can’t find a clear explanation - like birth trauma, sleep deprivation, or a ‘difficult’ baby - we may start to believe that we don’t deserve support.
This mindset is not only untrue, it's harmful. It can stop us from reaching out, delay treatment, disconnect from our loved ones, and leave us feeling even more isolated in an already vulnerable time.
The truth is: no one should suffer alone with a perinatal mental illness.
You deserve compassionate, professional support - not when you’re at rock bottom, not when you’ve found the cause, but now - no matter the reason.
So Ask Yourself: Is Searching For the Reason Helping or Hurting Me?
It's completely human to want to make sense of your pain, especially during such a vulnerable time. But is this search for a reason actually helping you? Or hurting you?
Something to think about…
Is this search for a reason moving me closer to getting the support I need? Or is it unintentionally delaying it?
There are times when exploring the root cause may be helpful - particularly when you’re feeling psychologically safe and supported by a professional. But, in the thick of it, obsessively trying to make sense of ‘why’ you feel the way you do can increase your distress or keep you stuck searching for answers that may not exist right now.
Reflecting on how this search is serving you - or not - can be a powerful first step towards kindness and connection with yourself in your journey towards recovery.
So when you find yourself desperately trying to answer the question "Why is this happening to me?" pause and gently ask yourself:
“Is this search providing me with relief, clarity, or self-compassion? Or is it feeding a cycle of guilt, self-blame, shame, comparison, isolation, invalidation, or avoidance?”
“Is this search for a reason moving me closer to getting the support I need? Or is it unintentionally delaying it?”
The truth is, not all emotional experiences have a neat explanation. Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, trauma, or the enormous adjustment to motherhood can all contribute - often without a single, obvious ‘why’. Even if you do find a possible reason, it might not change what you're feeling in the moment. That’s why the most helpful step is reducing the intensity of what you're going through with support.
The next time your thoughts start spiralling into “What’s wrong with me?”, try gently shifting focus. Instead of trying to solve the mystery, acknowledge how you're feeling and ask:
“What do I need right now? Rest? Connection? Support?”
That shift - from solving to soothing - can be a powerful step towards healing and feeling less alone.
You Deserve Support - No Matter the ‘Reason’
It’s completely natural to want answers when you’re struggling with perinatal mental ill health.
But here’s the thing: letting go of the pressure to find the reason isn’t giving up or avoiding self-reflection - it’s actually making space for healing, support, and self-compassion by giving yourself permission to focus on what you need right now. It also opens up the possibility of more gentle reflection when you are ready - without getting stuck in rumination.
In my experience, the first step isn’t figuring out why you feel this way - it’s finding ways to ease the distress and connect with the right support. Because help is available, and healing is possible.
Whether or not you have a clear answer, your feelings are valid. You are not broken. You are not to blame. And you absolutely deserve care, compassion, and recovery - no matter the reason.
If you or someone you know needs support, Perinatal Stories Australia encourages you to reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14), 13YARN (13 19 76), or Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467).
